We interrupt this regularly schedule blog for today, "The Temptations of Christ" for this one, "Adventures in Self-Destruction!" Please enjoy!
To be honest, I don't want God to save me from the never ending fires of Gehenna, or the pains of this earthly life, or even eternal damnation; I really just want God to save me from myself. It really is that simple. More than likely I end up taking Satan's bait and shooting myself in the foot or somewhere even more painful.
I really am my own worst enemy. Even for all my paranoia about the government out to try to get me, which they are, they can take it easy because I am sure enough doing it all by myself.
And it always begins with just one little thing. I really think this is my kryptonite. My main weakness is ... The Snooze button.
If the Garden Eden is applicable in my life I would have a snake whisper to me, "Just hit snooze, don't worry God will take care of it." God will sustain the being of every single thing in the universe from the Giant Novas, to the worm in the ground, to the sub-atomic particles and all this will happen whether or not I get out of bed. My problem is that I might tell myself I am tired, what I am really saying is two things:
1) I am much more important than other people, though they have made time for me or they have expectations of me that is not as important as my 5 minutes of extra sleep (which by the way always turns into an hour!) . I have the uncanny ability to draw everything out whether it is a conversation. 5 minutes, a dumb joke, this post for my blog, every thing always takes much longer than it has to be. Even finishing my first point is taking forever. And furthermore... no I am just kidding.
2) Ironically, the second point is the opposite of the first point. In some areas I have been known to compensate, in the rest, I have been known to overcompensate. I started talking about this when I realized that everyone else struggles with it too. Whether you call it, "that negative voice in you head," or, "that bad tape playing in your head," I just happen to call it, "Good o'l American Self-Hatred." I got that, self-hatred thing. So though on a conscious level I am saying, "I am tired," subconsciously I am saying, "Me being tired is more important than others," on a sub-basement conscious level what I am really saying is that, "Who am I kidding? They don't wanna see me anyway, why would they? I might as well just stay in bed."
All this, which took 26 years to make, happens from the time I hear the alarm to the time I hit snooze button and then it just builds up from there. I am running late, so I show up late, so I cut corners, so I feel justified when I do not accomplish task because, hey, I was late. Next day, wake up, wash, repeat. If you do the long enough it will snowball out of control and you are left picking up the piece of a messed up life. A perfect recipe for Self-Destruction!
One of my favorite books is, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. When I first read it as a little kid I was in awe. I remember reading it over and over again. I remember how because of this one little event all these other huge chain of events were going to happen. "If you give a mouse a cookie, then he is going to want a glass of milk. If you give a mouse a glass of milk then..." It was so profound. I still find myself reading this book again even to this day. And then the books ends with, "Then the mouse is going to want a cookie and if you give a mouse a cookie, then he will want a glass of milk." And I would turn right back to the beginning and read it again! In my mind I thought everything would just happen again though I could never figure out how the mouse would grow his hair so fast (If you don't get this joke you should pick it up again).
So now here I am writing this (from my journal) in front of the Blessed Sacrament. I think of how the birth of a child has such a profound effect on everyone in that child's life. I think of the effect of Jesus being born and no one really knew what had happened because everyone was caught up in their own lives. Few were told and even fewer figured it out, but all were effected by it some way or another. Sitting here now and praying on this day which was really crappy in the morning got better because God is really and truly is with me. It was so difficult today not letting my self-hatred be the tape that was playing constantly in my head. I had to remind myself though this is solely my fault , I am not alone. Jesus is with me. I heard this morning:
And he shall destroy in this mountain the face of the bond with which all people were tied, and the web that he began over all nations.
He shall cast death down headlong for ever: and the Lord God shall wipe away tears from every face, and the reproach of his people he shall take away from off the whole earth: for the Lord hath spoken it.
-Isaiah 25: 7-9
God's Love destroys the mountain of self-hatred that we are all tied to. I know I am tied to it but today Jesus, to use a Biblical expression, totally layeth the Smacketh Down on that mountain.
He is The Rock on which I stand.
He reminded me today of what his name, Emmanuel, means, God is with us.
God wipes tears from every face... that is just so beautiful!
My friend Cheryl told me this the other day:
Every moment is a new moment to start again.
My Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu instructor, Professor Glick said this today in class:
Whenever I get stuck in a move, I ask myself "what did do to get stuck in this move?" Then I say, "What will I do differently next time so this doesn't happen again?" You have to pay attention to the details. The details are what will get you every time. If you let one slip you are done. So when I figure out what got me into that mess I make sure that I have the courage to do it differently next time... if there is a next time.
So now what? Will I continue down the path that I have worn out so much with self defeat and failure... or will I walk the narrow path with Christ who will always walk with me? I heard one day take the road less traveled... its just more fun!
So though it was a bad day in the morning, I still prayed morning and evening prayer, I went to mass and adoration, did my examen and I got a buttload of work down. All in all it was a pretty good day today. And tomorrow is a Brand New Day!
So tomorrow's blog is: The Temptations of Christ!
P.S. Here are the links on how to do all the Photo shopping I did for the Indiana Jones themed picture: