I am playing catch up. I haven't been writing everyday and I apologize for that. I want to recommit to my Lenten Observance.
The other day in prayer I felt that the Lord invited me to go deeper.
It was a scary moment. I said OK Lord I trust you.
And it is still scary. I feel like I have been at similar points like this before in November and during other parts of my life. Before I have decided to runaway, other points I have tried to face it a little at a time. I am now trying to face it full on and asking God to give the courage to convert me to Him.
Yesterday was a difficult day because I had trouble getting out of the house. Scenes from November came back to me and I wasn't sure what to do. I kept telling myself that it wasn't happening. After about an hour of that I realized it was like November again.
The only way I can describe it is like when St. Ignatius had his conversion. Not so much the deep giving my life over part but the physical reality and events of the situation. When Ignatius was hit with a cannonball in leg during a battle he was taken to a doctor. They set his leg and bone in place and it wasn't set properly. He didn't like the way the bone was set because it made his leg look weird in boots so he asked the to reset it twice!
My wounds are healing but something keeps going wrong and they have to opened again to heal properly. I know the Lord is healing me and I was hoping that it would be more like an instant heal. But Our Lord, The Great Physician, is more like a physical therapist. He heals my broken arm and teaches me how to use it again. The process maybe be painful but it is worth it. He heals my wounds caused by sins and the damage other people have done to my life and teaches me how to let go of my old ways so I may be human again. I know the Lord can heal me instantly and maybe that is for me and maybe it is not. All I do know is that this is where God and I are at. A healing process so I can route out any signs of sin and its effect. The Lord teaches me how to live my life by the way He lived His.
All of the readings this week reflected this. The God wants us to make a decision and not be on the spiritual fence. I think He wants us to be aware that we are making this decision every moment. It is not something that just occurs once and a while but that we prepare ourselves for the moments when we are needed to stand up for Him and others. He wants our hearts! He wants to let us know that everything will be great if we trust Him.
My prayer life has been interesting recently. Every time I talk to God about the challenging events going on in my life he says to me:
Yes but do you trust Me?
I am trying to Lord but I keep holding myself back. Help me to get rid of what is stopping me from knowing You.
Are you sure Louis?
OK. Let's go deeper...
The Lord is my Shepherd.