So today I sent an email.
I know that doesn't sound like a big deal because of how many emails are sent a day but this one has a prayer attached to it.
The Psalms tells us that Our Lord searches our hearts and soul.
But why is my heart so hidden that is don't even know what it is hiding. I spend so much time wondering what is in my heart that it sadens me. It took the flipping of a coin to help me realize what is my desire.
"And Louis casted lots for his heart."
For my heart... How often do I do things for or even from my heart? I am not talking about just eating better but I am talking about what feeds my soul. I sometimes focus on my wounds so much I forget how well the other parts are doing. I believe I am so used to this pain that I don't even want to get better!
"When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had been ill for a long time, he said to him, "Do you want to be well?""
- John 5:6
When I heard this I remember thinking, "well duh! Who wouldn't want to be healed?" Well if that is the case then why don't I do things that help me be well.
So I try to heal myself. And try again. And again. And I get angry because I can't heal myself. And therein lies the problem. I cannot heal myself.
What a profound reality!
I need a healer! I always think I need God when I can't do something, but it is because of God that I can do anything. But healing is like growing, I can only contribute to an environment for those events to occur. And God does the growing. I need a Savior because I can't save myself.
Lord help me to accept you as my Savior because I cannot save myself at all! I am the one causing my problems as it is!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry