Here are the readings for today.
"Jesus said to them, 'I am the Bread of Life; whoever comes to me will never hunger, and whoever believes in me will never thirst." -John 6:35
I also heard, "and you will always have a purpose."
What is it I really hunger for? What is it I really thirst for? Is it companionship, success, glory, respect, pleasure, not to be alone anymore? These are all very true for me but what I really hunger for is connectedness.
I want to belong somewhere, I want to be a part of something. Not just something I go to once and a while, but a place I can be at. I want to feel connected to God... I have before. I feel I have had moments of being connected to God. Moments where I have been so joyfull (this spelling is done one purpose). I long for that again, that feeling of being loved and knowing everything will work out. Longing for knowing that my Heavenly Father is going to take care of me.
Then there are moments when I do not feel connected to anything or anyone at all. No particular person, no ideology, no family, no friends and certainly not God. Nothing. But I have never not felt connected from the Church. I think because deep down it is me. At the very core of my being is the Church. Maybe that is why I always feel at home in the Church. It has always been familiar and ever new. There is always something different and something new. There is always something I have missed or now I see with new eyes.
What I really thirst for is purpose. I want to know there is a point to all of this. I want to know my life matters. I want to know my pain is not useless. I want to know what I am meant fir specifically... but I don't think that might be possible. I am not meant for just one thing. I am meant for so much more. Nothing in this world happens in a vacuum. Even vacuums don't happen in vacuums happen in something. Why do I think my life is different? Maybe I am struggling with the vastness of my purpose.
Today we read about St. Stephen.
Pretty much every single Christian who has ever lived has heard of/been affected by/been effected by/been inspired by St. Stephen. Right now there are over a billion Christians in the world and over the last 2,000 years, how many have there been? His death even inspired the Apostles. But time does not end right now (it will go on for God knows how long) how many more people will be influenced by him? I wondered if he spent most of his time thinking of what to do with his life or did he spend his life living? My purpose... what is my purpose... to know, love and serve God.
I really need to stop wasting my time worrying about what to do and actually go and do something.