Monday, April 19, 2010

More Than These?


Here is the reading for today.

When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter,
“Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?”
Simon Peter answered him, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”
Jesus said to him, “Feed my lambs.” - John 21:15

This scene in John's Gospel is so beautiful. "Do you love me more than these?" I have heard this Gospel so many times, but today I felt like I heard something new. When I heard these words at mass yesterday I had this image of the three people I love the most come into my mind. It was as if God was asking me:

"Do you love me more than these people?"

I was taken aback because I never thought of this before. I guess I always thought this meant things. Like I love my TV and my PS3 (which I do).

"Whose the best TV in the world? You are. Yes you are." (smooching)

But I keep thinking, do I love God more than these people. These are the ones who have helped bring me to God. The other day I remember thinking how these people have my heart; but is the Lord in my heart? There are days when I feel that way and days when I don't. If I love God, do I give myself to him as I do with other people?

How does one give themselves to God? How do I give myself to others? I feel like that negative voice takes over so much that it creates a downward spiral of self loathing and then I don't feel like I have anything to give to anyone.

I can only explain it as if someone binded me up and threw me into a large cave with a deafening echo. There is no light and every sound is heard. So when negative thoughts occur it is as if the echoes create infinite echoes. I have to remind myself this is not true. I do not feel this way I just believe I do. And since I can only hear myself I don't think about others. I feel like a burden to other people many times. And then when that happens I don't understand why people love me. Then their love becomes painful. It literally hurts me.

"But Louis son of Louis, do you love me?"

Why is it so difficult to accept love? I have to remember that I am loved because when I don't I cannot love another. It seems much easier to love a person who is physically in front of me, than the invisible God. But my God became incarnate. He became a physical person to show me he loves me. So do I love him back?

Jesus meets me where I am at. He comes down to my level. This can only be real if I know and accept what level I am at. So why do I keep denying what level I am at?

Pray well.

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